REASONS NOT TO DATE MIKE FULLER

HE’S CRAZY!!!!!!!!

He’s mentally abusive.

He’s verbally abusive.

He has an incenstuous relationship with his sister.

He is a wimp.

He crys like a baby.

He is physically abusive.

He is an addict. (illicit drugs)

He is selfish.

He has no motivation.

He is immature.

He cannot commit.

He is addicted to strip clubs.

He has no morals.

He is a weak person, hard to call him a man.

He is of bad character.

He is from Wisconson.

He eats like a little bird.

He is not a real man. 

He is a little boy.

He pees sitting down.

He has gay tendencies and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was gay.

He cares more about angry birds than being an adult.

He can’t admit when he made a mistake.

He mistreats women.

He abuses women.

He is a huge LOSER.

He thinks because he’s in the army he’s something special.

He goes to the gym and works out all the time and you can hardly tell.

He is losing his hair.

His teeth are yellow and look like wooden teeth from back in the day.

He lives in the trashiest apartment I have ever seen.

He drives a shitty car.

He has a dollar stack… really????  How old are you?

He is obsessed with women’s boobs (like double FF’s)

He won’t open car doors.

He won’t go to any other restaurant than Outback.

He will never be there for you in a time of need.

He will take advantage of you.

He will cry like a baby when he is hurt or sick.

He will show up on your doorstep crying like a baby after he realizes he messed up but then do the same thing again two weeks later.

He will throw you out of his house. 

He will throw you out of his car.

He will threaten to kill your pets

He will treaten to punch you in the face.

He will call you a CUNT.

He will call you a million other names.

He will treat you however he wants because you “don’t have a backbone” and tell you.

Did I mention he F**ks his sister?  Sick!

He went to Afghanistan and didn’t do anything but thinks he deserves a medal.

He will use the fact he’s in the Army to hide his anger issues.

He will NEVER be there for you.

He gives people in the military a bad wrap. 

He has only ever lived with a woman for 3 weeks and he’s 31!

His “member” isn’t that big.

He will take care of himself and leave you hanging…

He is bipolar

He is addicted to pain pills

He has a drug dealer

He doesn’t have a real job

He talks about the money he has ALL the time.

He gets addicted to things real easily, gym, apple stock, sports betting….

And there is so much more but he really isn’t worth any more time than I have already wasted on him.

 

GOOD LUCK IF YOU CHOOSE TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT!

Breaking point???

At what point do you reach your breaking point in a relationship?  Is there a such thing as a cracking point?  I think I am there.  I have been dating this guy for 2.5 months???  We already have had our issues with him not making an effort to do anything to incorporate himself in my life/the relationship is always about him.  I have said my peace, we have had mini fights over it… I’m not wasting my breath or my energy anymore over it.  I am going to go do my thing and if he doesn’t want to make an effort well then the writing is on the wall.  Then we have the issue with him kicking me out of his place early in the am instead of just giving me a key, not even to keep, just on those few days to make it easier on both of us.  Well last night he had asked me to spend the night the night before and last night so I did.  Well last night he had me locked out of his place for 2 hours after work, told me to kill time.  2 hrs!  I wanted to go for a run after work… couldn’t just go home and say… “oh well I’m just going to spend the night at my place tonight.”, my dog was locked up in his cage in his place, my makeup was in his place, my running shoes were in his place, my hair dryer and straightener were in his place… I was SOL.  At that point… really????  What else do I need as a sign?  It’s like the movie “he’s just not that into you” but it’s my life.  It’s very clear he is not really ready to incorporate someone else into his life.  Hurts.  So I killed time… went grocery shopping to get stuff for dinner, made him ziti, crab legs (his fav) and garlic bread, sat there and had dinner with him and then left.  I was being stand offish I guess but really… I had to keep myself mentally checked out of the situation so I would not melt down.  As I was walking through his parking lot with my dog’s big cage, my bag full of clothes for three days (because I was planning on spending the night last night), and my other bag from kickball stuff and kitchen stuff… .that’s when I had my meltdown.  Well I guess it wasn’t really a meltdown.  I cried.  Not all that much but I did.  I was hurt from the whole situation of us but really I only have myself to blame.  I was the one that was this sweet, perfect, adoring girl and guys don’t want that.  They want an independent, self centered, bitch.  I can be like that… heck I am like that… but I would rather be the sweet girl taking care of my man and me and everyone but getting the undying love an admiration from him in return.  Last night I think he could tell that I was checking out because that’s when he did his thing and tried to reign me back in.  He was all “ I love you so much, I want to be with you forever, you are such a great girl, you are so hot,…” It all fell on deaf ears though last night.  I’m sort of used to the routine now… I get sweet adoring boyfriend for a few days then I get distant, aloof, cold boyfriend then I get the other one again just about when I am fed up.  Well last night the nice one came too late.  I needed the nice on the night before and I didn’t get it.  Then I got the big jerk last night and that was too much for me especially after how I have been taking care of his almost 24/7 for the past two weeks after his surgery. 

 

At this point what do I do?  I went home last night to an empty house.  I woke up to an empty house.  I went for a run alone (well not completely alone… my thoughts were there, incessantly chatting away in my head). I sat on my balcony after my run alone and cried.  I think I just need to take some time for me.  I made plans with a girl friend for dinner tonight and I am not going to his place or contacting him all weekend.  I think he needs time to think.  I feel like I am the girl that in his mind he knows he should be with but I don’t have his heart.  I feel like this stripper has his heart.  I feel like he was smitten with her, was willing to do anything for her, and she left.  I think he still thinks about her.  I think he still wishes that she would come to her senses.  Heck I can’t even get him to walk around the zoo with me for an hour at night (something easy and romantic to do), or come watch one of my kickball games, or come watch football at my place, or go to the beach with me, or go to Disney with me, or spend the night at my place really.  The writing is on the wall but I it’s like I catch a glimpse of it then quickly turn away before I can make sense of what the words mean.  I think this is it for me.  This could be my breaking point…. Cracking at least, the breaking point might come in the next week after he doesn’t make an effort to fix what he did.

 

I ordered the book “Why men marry bitches.” I am looking forward to laying at the pool and delving into that.  Hopefully I get it soon!

The good news here is I am already 1.5 lbs away from my goal.  Can you imagine how much weight I am going to lose now?

Is it over already?

So I think I just ended my relationship????? 

 

I just got to the point where there were little things bugging me that I had to say something.  I guess when you look at the big picture they really aren’t little things. 

 

The one thing was he was being a bit of a jerk yesterday… out of no where.  So that had me confused.  Then this morning… I normally leave with him when we leave for work.  After his first alarm went off he asks me “aren’t you going to leave?”  What???????  He had gotten a text a little bit earlier (at 7:30AM) and was keeping his phone with the screen turned over and like hiding it whenever he went to pick it up so right there I was feeling like I was right back to being one of many girls again.  He tells me he loves me and I should feel more confident about that but I don’t.  He hasn’t been acting like it. 

 

This leads us to the bigger issue.  I guess he’s just not giving me what I really want out of a partner…  I have been making excuses for it for awhile now…. “it’s because we never see each other,” “it’s because he’s stressed at work”, “it’s because he’s not feeling good”…. And I am done with the excuses.  He’s had plenty of opportunities to step up to the plate and he isn’t.  Like yesterday… I try to think about what I did nice for him…. Asked how he was feeling (because we had a 20 minute conversation about how he wasn’t feeling good the night before), I got in return “Fine, why?” …. Ok.   Baked brownies and cheesecake for him.  Didn’t even get a thank you.  Went tanning for him because he likes me tan ( I could personally go without the skin cancer or deal with the tan lines).  Nothing.  Picked him up from the airport… got a thank you for that.  His back was hurting so I gave him a massage… And what did I get?  And this is how it’s been.  This isn’t how it started.  To me being in a relationship and being in love with someone (especially when it’s new) you should want to make the other person happy.  You shouldn’t lose yourself or be a proverbial slave to their happiness but if there is something that you can do that will make their day that much better, then do it.  He brought me flowers before, gave me massages with candles lit, was the first to tell me that he loved me, but really… the romance has basically stopped there.  I am almost thinking he’s just not the type of person in a relationship that I am looking for.  Stinks because he’s the closest I have come to to being remotely close to what I was looking for. 

 

The main issue that I have with this relationship is that he doesn’t want to share my life with me… I guess that’s the best way to put it.  There’s always an excuse as to why he can’t come stay at my house.  That’s a sore spot for me.  I stay at his place all of the time.  I have suggested lots of things to do and he doesn’t want to do any of them. Go see Harry Potter.  Nope. Go to Epcot for the Food & Wine festival… has an issue every weekend I mentioned.  Zoo… ehhh not so much.  Join my kickball team with me.  Nope.  Sea Kayaking… doesn’t sound like his thing.  Going on a trip to go hiking.  No doesn’t like it.  Come home with me for Thanksgiving… we will see.  I have gotten used to doing all of these things by myself… but if I am in a relationship… I don’t want to.  I want someone that wants to do these things with me and even if it wasn’t what they really wanted to do they still do it because 1) it’s spending time with me and 2) it would put a smile on my face.  I do that for him… I have gone out at night down on Clematis maybe 4 times since I have lived here… it’s not my thing.  I’ve done it with him twice already.  It’s not my thing but it’s what he wanted to do and he had fun and I was with him so it was fine.   But really …. What has he done that I wanted to do so far?  Gone to Rooney’s and met my friend?  Went out to one of my restaurants 1 time out of like the 20 times we have been out to eat?  And it’s not like these guys don’t exist out there.  I know they do.  One of my friends is like this with his girlfriend.  He wants to make her happy and making her happy makes him so happy.  He takes her away, cooks dinner for her, surprises her with a spotless apartment, brings her flowers once a month for no reason, is all about pleasing her in bed…

 

I really felt like he was like this for the first month… I really almost hope that it’s taken this turn because he’s stressed at work or he hasn’t been feeling good but at this point I have a really bad feeling.  I was upset this morning after he was acting weird and also the fact that he won’t make plans to spend time with me this weekend so I sort of told him I was upset.  Why should I not tell him?  If he is going to think that I am too sensitive then oh well.  I don’t think I am expecting too much.  I am doing for him what I want him to do for me.  Did I have to make him brownies and cheesecake yesterday…?  No but I did it because I thought it would be cute and I know he likes that and I felt like doing something nice for him.  I want that in return though.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  I want someone that wants to see me smile and if im not they will do something just so they can see that.  I really thought that was him and got my hopes up.  I think that’s why this hurts.  And I really do love him.  He’s a good person, a great person it seems.  I just don’t see the point in being with someone if you aren’t completely happy.  I want to be one of those couples where almost every day they feel lucky to have found each other.  I feel that but then feel disappointed when I’m in a relationship and am being forced to do things on the weekend or whenever by myself or with a friend… that sounds like my single life.  Shouldn’t I just be single if the only thing that’s going to change is a guy is letting me spend the night at his place and tells me that he loves me?

Back to the workout schedule…

Everytime my boyfriend leaves it seems I have so much more free time to work out.  Last night was recovering from our stupid night of drinking Sunday but today starts my routine again.  How to lose 10 lbs in 2 weeks should be the title to this blog. 

Run at least 5 miles a day.  Eat less and high protein/low carb diet.  Drink lots of water. Get lots of sleep.

That is basically my routine in a nutshell.  And it works.  The last time he went away I lost 10 lbs.  I was shooting for 13.  I think I probably put most of it back on now so I need to throw myself into this again.  I put it back on because I got really sick for a week and then was on vacation for 9 days.  And now since I have been back I have been doing nothing but spending time with him and we haven’t been working out because he hasn’t been feeling good. 

He also hasn’t been all over me this past week which has me wondering too.  Is it because of the weight or is he really not feeling good?  Oh well … I guess we will see.  Granted he gets back late Thursday night, this was a short trip, but three days should be a little bit of an improvement.  I always see it.  My biggest issue is my sneakers.  I threw out my normal pair just because they stunk so bad and I needed new ones anyway.  Now the pair I am left with gives me blisters on the instep of my left foot and I do have another old pair which I haven’t tried yet.  We will see tonight.   I went shoe shopping this weekend but didn’t find a pair that I loved.  Maybe that will be a project for tonight if I still can’t find anything.  I really needed to run tonight though so I hope that other pair works.

But so the stupid drunkeness was a good thing because for some reason I can express myself so much more easily when I have had a few drinks ( go figure).  I was able to tell him what I was thinking a little bit more.  It’s been about 2.5 half months since we met and like a month and a half since he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I am sort of concerned with it seems like he is very anti serious commitment.  Not in any rush to get married, doesn’t want to commit to trips with me, isn’t crazy about even talking about how moving in would work out, etc. 

How much time am I willing to invest in this relationship?  Do I want to waste another 2 years before anything transpires?  No.  So how much am I willing to invest? or gamble?  6 months?  I really do love him so much so far but if he doesn’t feel that he wants to move forward with me in some way after 6 months then he probably will be stringing me on for a long time.  I said that this time around I want for the next relationship to be so sure that after a few months we both just wanted to run off and get married because that was how strongly we felt for each other.  We will see.  Or am I ok with not getting married and just dating for a very long time?  I think I already know the answer to this… I want a best friend to share every aspect of my life with, to be a partner with.  I want to get married. I would like to have at least one kid after we were done enjoying each other for a few years.  I really want to come home to someone every day, to make dinner together, to go do fun stuff together, to go to bed together each night.  I really want that.  I have always wanted that.  I have just not been good at choosing the right guy. 

Life is a gamble.. but for now I am just going to work on me. 

 

Love…

I’m so in love.  Am I trying too hard however?  I don’t feel like I am “trying” but does it come off as “trying” too hard?  I love to cook and it’s something I’m ok at… so I want to cook dinner and bake for him.  Is this a bad thing?  Also I feel like I am staying over at his place all of the time… I have probably stayed there at least 20 nights, sometimes 5 days in a row but he has only spent a total of like 4 nights at my place.  He pays for dinner when we go out, I cook.   I wrote him long emails and called when I was in Canada.. a friend is in town and I can barely get a “hello”.  Are these already the signs that I am too into him and this relationship is never going to be even?  He prided himself on flowers and love letters before we started dating… I got roses once… I guess that’s good.  I just don’t want to be in one of those relationships where I feel so much for for someone than they feel for me.  I hope that’s not the case.  I really do love him though.  Everything that I know about him so far for the most part I really like.  I could see myself being with him.  I don’t want to be strung along for another couple years though.  I’m getting old!  I want to be married already and settled down.  I think just getting him to move in with me is going to be difficult.  I’m not going to bring it up again and wait until he does.  This whole staying at on person’s house and then the other’s just so we can spend some time together because we have so little time is getting old already. 

 

Last night just cooking dinner with him, cuddling on the couch watching football and falling asleep on him was just so nice.   It’s nice to have that again!  I feel more and more comfortable with him.  I hope he is falling deeply in love with me and wants to put a ring on my finger before too long.

179 days and counting… progress has been made..

Well so I guess the fact I haven’t written in here in about a month is a good thing.  I have been dating the same guy since early July.  He waiting to ask me to be his girlfriend in early August.  Was a sweet touch.  It’s been going pretty good.  He seems totally into me… a few hiccups a long the way and we have both been traveling soo much that it’s been difficult to spend time with eachother. As soon as one of us gets back the other one is leaving or having something planned already.  We spend a lot of time together and everything seems pretty good.  I have been trying to stay out of my head and not over analyze everything.  This morning for example he had something with work come up and needed to leave suddenly.  It’s hard to keep myself from thinking about all of the possible scenarios, “He has another girl and he needed to leave quickly to meet her”, “He doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore this week but doesn’t know how to say it”, etc.  I’ve gotten better though and it’s been easier for me to take a step back from this if I need to or I feel like I am getting hurt.  Like he did a pretty jerky thing while I was gone and so I stopped talking to him for a few days.  Wow did that work.  I forget how being elusive to a guy makes him want you more.  You can’t do it too much though or he loses interest and finds someone else.  There’s a fine balance to not being too clingy and needy but then not seeming uninterested. 

So for the most part I am happy.  Well … yeah for the most part.  What do you know… friends are great, family is great, I’m in love and happy… and then the job starts to fall apart.  The catty stupid office manager is rearing her head again.  She’s a childish stupid woman… I soooooo never use the “C” word for a woman but yesterday it just popped into my head when she was being horrible.  Bad, bad, people but they all get what is coming to them.  Karma works.

Speaking of which… my exfinace who I was supposed to get married to this past weekend… well found out that a) he lost is job because he was finally caught stealing and b) married the tramp that he was cheating on me with two months ago and she’s already cheating on him.  Karma! 

I just want for my life to have no speed bumps or issues for once.  I want everything to be going good! 

A friend of mine recently got engaged.  He proposed to his girlfriend at Disney.  My dream proposal!  Sooo sweet.  I want that.  Not just because I want the experience or the ring… I will buy a ring and go give it to myself at Disney if that’s the case but I want “that” again!  I really have a good feeling about this guy.  He seems like a good person.  I wish we had a bit more in common when it comes to activities that we like but I can see if this will work.  He’s not outdoorsy which I don’t like and he likes to go out to bars and clubs too much.  I think I have gotten him a little more into dining in because I have been cooking for him lately and he seems to like it and love just staying in and cuddling on the couch.  That’s a plus.  He’s not into movies which to me is just strange but oh well. 

I met two of his friends which went well I think.  He hasn’t told me either way.  I definitely don’t like the history that he has with strip clubs or how much he frequents them.  He’s gone twice in the two and a half months we have been dating.  That’s a little questionable.  I just don’t see why you would waste money going to a strip club when you have a woman at home who you supposedly think is hot.  And if you are not into lap dances and stuff you are just going there to drink and hang out with the guys why not go to a regular bar where there aren’t strange girls laying on a stage and spreading their legs?  To me it’s just a respect thing I guess.  And I guess I have such issues with it because I have been cheated on so much and he started dating a stripper that he met at a strip club here.  It’s just a touchy subject with me all around.  I am really trying to just be me and if it works great and if not then oh well.  Guess it wasn’t meant to be.  I am fine on my own and I don’t NEED him.  That’s the reality.  Do I WANT him?  Yes.  But if he’s not the one or I am not the one for him the world is not going to end.  There is someone else around the corner or there it is the option which I am not thinking is all that bad… having a baby.  The unconditional love of a child seems worth sacrificing a man.  A child is not going to leave you for another mother… they will go off and do there own thing after about 18 years but that’s 18 years…. no man has been willing to give me more than a few years and I am almost 30. 

So I have brought up me wanting him to come to PA with me for Thanksgiving and moving in in the future.  He keeps bringing up my roommate and what am I going to do when he moves out… and what do I WANT to happen.  So I told him.  I don’t think he likes my house or where I live for some reason.  He’s only spent the night like 5 times at my house the past two and a half months that we have been dating.  Not liking that.  And we really haven’t done “much” since I got back.  He’s supposedly not feeling good but still… that starts to effect your self esteem when you want it and the other person is making excuses.  Hmmmm… oh well… instead of rushing down to see him tonight I think I will go home and go for a run first, tan, get myself all cute and then go down to see him… that should help… keep him waiting and work on me… We will see.

So in all… besides work everything is going great!

Jealousy sucks

So for as much as I try to not be the typical girl and have a lot of the typical girl characteristics they seem to keep coming out in this new dating period of my life. I hate being the “jealous girlfriend” and that’s sooo not me but for some reason it was last night. Bad enough I didn’t hear from my new guy all day long which is very strange but I went on his facebook page and saw that some cute little girl posted, “I really don’t appreciate u ignoring my calls and texts hubby.”. Yeah for someone who found out there ex fiancé had been cheating on them and had seen phone records supporting a daily pretty intense and sneaky relationship of course that hit a nerve.

Then I went back and looked at the other things she had posted. Turns out looked like she was a sister of his best friend. Ok wasn’t so worried about that. Then we get into the whole ex girlfriend issue. Ok #1 she was a stripper. Not a great sign he dated a stripper. His explanation so far seems logical. Don’t remember how he said they met. He goes to strip clubs with his friend which I am not keen of but oh well. At least I know that going into this. #2 he told me it was only like a month and a half long relationship and it wasn’t serious. Fb shows it was at least 3 months long and at one point she posted she loved him on fb. #3 she’s a stripper so of course she’s a lot hotter than me. #4 he’s still friends with her on fb.

Needless to say I was feeling a little insecure last night. I couldn’t help thinking, “I’m going to get hurt again”, “I can’t do this to myself again”, “he’s probably still talking to her”, “what is he doing with me”….. Just a lot of really bad thoughts which made me realize how bad my ex husband and ex fiancé messed with my self esteem. Like really…. How can I compete with a stripper in the looks department? I’m not stripper material. My body has quite a bit of work still.

He called finally and I was a bit quiet and moody and really couldn’t help it. I’ve dated military guys before who go away for these two weeks. It’s really hard on them in the first place and really hard to be away from home an the last thing they need is to deal with issues at home. So, I didn’t say anything. He could tell I was moody. I sent him a text regardless letting him know it was glad to hear his voice.

He called back awhile later and mentioned the post on fb. I told him I had seen it and my reaction to it. I told him about my concern with his ex girlfriend the stripper. Well not all of my concerns but just that it appeared a lot more intense than he told me and a lot longer and that since it only ended June 25th and we started talking July 6th or so I was really afraid that I am going to be a rebound.

I am definitely afraid of being hurt again. I don’t want my fear or these horrible things that have hurt me in the past hold me back from something that can potentially be great. How the heck do I let go and love again without holding back? How do I not see a girl posting things like that on his fb page and not feel a little panic or fear in my heart? I’m scared. I hate this.

I have a boyfriend!

Ok So it’s official.  I am officially 50% of a couple!  He actually asked me to be his girlfriend Saturday morning before he left for his training for two weeks.  I am not really going to share the way in which he asked me because while I think it was sweet and intimate… It’s definitely not a story I’m going to be sharing with my children one day.  I am happy and relieved.  A little at peace.  I went out to dinner with one of my best girlfriends last night who can tend to be a bit critical of me.  I was expecting some naysaying and some negative comments from her.  Instead she shocked me.  She said that I seem different.  I seem at ease and very different from my normal self and that it was definitely a good thing. Well I guess that’s a good thing. 

 

He’s been gone for two days so far and I really miss him but at the same time I am thankful for this time to get back into my routine.  We have been spending more time together than apart… partially because we knew he was leaving for two weeks then comes back for a few days and then I leave for 10 days.  Crappy way to start a relationship I think.  Oh well it could be a good thing.. If we can start it off like this and make it through the next month no problem then we should have no problem with the rest… well not “NO” problem but we know that it’s more than just physical or one of us being needy.  There is actually substance there.  Everything has been going so well so far.  I only hope that it stays this way and continues to get better. 

 

There are really only 2 concerns that I have so far…. Ok 3 I guess.  1) He doesn’t seem that outdoorsy.  That’s a big part of my life down here.  2) What happens if we want to move in together?  I don’t think he likes that I live so much further away from both of our jobs.  Well 15-20 minutes further.  I would definitely not want to move down to West Palm.  I really enjoy where I live.  I hope he would want to move in.  3) I don’t want to wait like another 2 years to get engaged.  While I want it to be right this time I always thought that when it was right we both would just know and it would be overwhelming and we would just want to be together.  I guess I also have to get it into my head that it’s ok to just be with someone and I should be happy with just that.  I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring on my finger to solidify things. 

 

Well either way… this was my major goal when it came to increasing my happiness right now in my life.  I hope it works. I really have a good feeling about this.  Now I just have to not screw it up.

219 Days Left… a progress report…

At what point do you just allow yourself to be happy?  I have actually made huge steps since I started this blog I feel.  Huge steps towards finding what will make me happy. 

There were basically two major things in my life causing my unhappiness on day 250…

1) My being alone and just being lonely and unhappy

2) My cancer BS

The first one I can do something about and I did it I think.   The second issue there is nothing I can do about it.  The only thing I can do is go back and get tested, biopsies and wait.   So I am doing just that.  My last biopsy was Feb 26 and I am supposed to go back every 6 months.  Well I have an appointment for August 2nd to go back and to start the testing to see if I need more biopsies the following week.  I didn’t want to wait until the 26th because a) I am going on a trip two days later b) I don’t want to have issues from any procedures on the trip or worrying about my biopsy results on the trip. 

My first issue… I believe I might have found that special someone.  I was sick one weekend and I signed up for one of those silly dating websites…  You hate to admit to meeting anyone off of one of those but I guess it’s becoming the norm nowadays.  Also anyone that I would even think of dating I have only met off these sites.  Bars, guys through friends, networking stuff, kickball, etc… all of these things I have been involved in which I would have hoped would have led me to meet someone has done nothing.  I can’t seem to tell one of my best friends about my new love interest yet.  I just feel like she will judge and also I have gone on a handful of dates so far and I am sure if my friends aren’t keeping scorecards its hard to keep the players straight.  There was Julio (the immature indecisive dad), then Kyle (the fun yet immature and highly inappropriate guy) , then Steven (the self centered lawyer), then JP (the jerk – not trying to be mean he was just nasty for no reason at times and had no clue how to treat a woman)…. now one that might work.  What do they say?????  You have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince?  I have done my share of kissing toads and I am over it…. I think I really might be though. 

So while I am still a basket case thinking about cancer, the possibility of not having children, freezing eggs, rushing and getting pregnant now possibly, terrified of being hurt again if I let myself fall in love, etc… I am at least happier.  Happier because I have hope.  I was really worried that I might not ever feel love again, feel butterflies, feel comforted and loved when laying in the arms of a man… I was afraid I was too damaged.  I am still afraid but I feel all of those other things but at the same time a comfort with him and I guess a comfort of being in my own skin for once in my life. 

I have a lot to be happy about, a lot to be excited about, a lot to be afraid of, but if I didn’t feel all of these things…. what would life be like?  I can’t imagine living a boring, safe life where you can predict your everyday almost and you don’t feel the way that I feel things.  I am excited for what is to come next.

Can it be for real this time?

I am officially falling in love.  I forgot how scary this is.  I don’t think it was as scary before but it is definitely scary now.  After being blindsided by your best friend, and soon to be husband cheating on you it’s hard to not be afraid.  I am terrified of falling for someone again and not having them feel the same, rejecting me, me not being what they wanted, etc.  I really have a good feeling about this one.  We have soooo much in common. He really fits my list that I wrote about in my earlier post. 

Intelligent- I definitely think he’s intelligent.  I think he and I are on the same level.

hard working – ummm hello… he’s in the army, was in Afghanistan and right now is almost done with 26 straight days of work

in touch with his feelings – I actually think he really is in touch with his feelings for a guy.  Actually he might be more so than me. 

a good communicator – I normally pride myself on this but he’s much better than I am.  I am the one who is strangely having a really, really hard time letting my guard down. 

Expressive – definitely, he’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am, cute I am, loves my legs, pretty face, etc… but not so much where it seems annoying or fake.  Like I will be doing something and catch him staring at me with this adorable look and he will tell me how I have the most beautiful eyes… Really?  Melt…

Physical – definitely.  He loves to cuddle and hold me and kiss me and massages… love it!

Loving – well we definitely aren’t at the “love” stage yet but I am definitely falling for him hard and I think he is for me…. Who knows though… I obviously can’t read men at all.  Seems really caring… like someone that would really take care of my heart. 

Supportive – so far very supportive – taught me how to use some machines in the gym to increase my want to work out in the gym and not just running, Don’t vent to him about work too much but when I do he listens, listens a little about my rant about my dad being an alcoholic

Creative – haven’t really seen this yet.  

problem solver – from what it seems like so far he solves a lot of problems at work which is a good sign.

Responsible – being in the army he seems responsible, seems responsible with his money, not a huge partier it seems, also he hasn’t drank in 20 some days during this ridiculously long stretch or work.

polished to a certain extent – just enough for me without being snooty or materialistic which I like, he’s really cute about trying new foods and stuff

a little adventurous – he must be but I haven’t seen this side yet.   

physically fit – ummm yeah!  I am so attracted to him.  Wished he ran a little more but I haven’t been running nearly as much and I am not up to my normal 6-8 miles 4 times a week. 

likes the outdoors – I guess but I haven’t really seen this side of him yet either.

animals and nature – he loves my dog, nature I am not sure about yet.  

likes to travel – I think he and I are in the same boat, we like to travel but finances and work hinder this.

wants kids – here’s where we differ.  I want kids.  I actually don’t know if I would really be completely happy without being a mother one day.  He could care less whether or not he has kids.  Very, very different views.  At least he isn’t saying he doesn’t want them which is good.  I just would have thought for 31 he would be a little more motivated to have kids. 

would be a good father (stern, loving, and instructive) – I definitely think he would be a good father.  I think I would play more of the parenting role in what I have seen so far but who knows. 

comfort me when I have those occasional meltdowns – yeah… so somehow I did this already… I had a mini meltdown.. while it freaked him out a little and he took a bit of a step back he really wanted to talk about it and get to the bottom of it the next day.  It was interesting… I have this quote thing that says something like find a guy who will call you back when you hang up on him… I didn’t hang up on him but I was crying and didn’t want to talk and he kept trying to call me… cute.  (not me melting down… him)

I can’t wait to get off of work and go to his place and be greeted with kisses from him and my dog jumping up and down excited to see me.  Could this all be falling into place?  We will see………